What it Would Require to SERIOUSLY Date Me…and Other Women Like Me That Don’t Have Time for the BS!

Online-Dating

A few friends of mine got together and elected me spokesperson for this platform.

We have great parents, teachers and mentors that have prepared us to receive God’s best, so we don’t have time for any foolishness!

The dating world is a crazy maze.  If you’re going on a standard first date, you can use whatever rules that make you comfortable.

Maybe you want to meet them at the location.

Maybe you want to go on a mini date prior (like 30 minutes at a coffee-house or something).

Maybe you want to refer to your Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man book by Steve Harvey for the basics and rules.

Patti Stanger from Millionaire Matchmaker has some great tips too.

The Grunt Work

If this “relationship” seems that it may get remotely serious then you need to put in some hard-core parameters.  No need in having your time wasted. Remember, we talked about this in last week‘s post. So here we go:

  • A little something that I have coined called the “Dating Consultation Committee” consists of 4-6 people who have had a vested interest in your success, kind of like Olivia1618 Pope and Associates (minus all the scandal of sleeping with presidents and spies). Two of them should be of the opposite sex. They all look at the case in the early stages and decide if WE are going to take the case. They will each follow the case from their varying backgrounds and weigh in on each date, series of calls and texts and render their best advice. They have a high spirit of discernment and can sniff out counterfeits like a DEA dog. If any say no, sorry dude you’re probably not going to make it.

    If a potential makes it far enough through the process to meet anyone on the committee, you have to be ready to present your BEST. Somewhat like a cat that comes in with a rabbit that he just killed in the yard and lays on the kitchen floor with pride (that sounds kind of creepy but that’s how cats are.  I’m not saying kill the guy, but you see where I’m going with this…)

  • Friend endorsement will fast-track you through. However, the friend will be given a waiver that will keep the friendship in tact if you end up being a jerk. You can’t possibly know everything about everyone.

  • Background check.  We can’t have any cray-cray’s. Well, we all have a certain level of craziness, but you really need to know what you’re getting into. $30, his date of birth and a social security number (if you can secure it) will do the trick.  Now if they are a teacher or work for the government, you might be able to skip this because this is regularly monitored.

  • Credit check from all three bureaus and a fourth secret bureau. Or just ask him for a copy. People say this is harsh, but you will pay someone $250 to inspect a house and you KNOW you will be on Carfax all week checking out a new car.  So why won’t you thoroughly check out someone you are seriously dating and may possibly marry?   9 times out of 10 you gave him the cookie but don’t know his FICO score. Hmmm.

    Most marriages end because of financial issues, so checking this out is key. If it’s gets to the point you are talking marriage and he won’t cough up the credit report, it may be time to part.  Why?  His debt will become your debt anyway so you have every right to know this info prior. Oh, you should cough up your report as well.

 

Whenever I date a guy, I think, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’ -Rita Rudner

Standards & Non-Negotiables

I had a date with a guy once and he told me that women need to be open to sharing a man. He was dead serious. I had to do the Scooby Doo look on that one. REALLY?  SHARE? FOR WHAT?  He was referring to the black male shortage and if you want a good black man with a good job, blah, blah, blah.  I told him I would get a dog.

And who said I was only dating black guys anyway?

One of my guy friends asked me if a guy didn’t have a job would I date him.  I said “No.”  He said “What if he didn’t have a car. I said “No.” He said, “Well what if he didn’t have a job or car because..”  I had to cut into his conversation. I said “Listen Honey, I just can’t do that.  I have post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) when it comes to stuff like that and I just can’t.  The Lord knows me well.  He knows my heart and what I’ve been through. He’s not going to have me driving some dude around all the time or be with someone who can’t do for me. Now, if I meet this guy later and he has a job and a car then we shall see.” He looked at me like I was just being too hard.

Sorry, you just don’t have time to “make anyone.” You don’t have time to hold hands and wade through the muck of his beginnings. I’m 41 years old, you will have an AARP card in 9 years. Ain’t nobody got time for dat!

Now if you’ve established yourself and you are trying to get to the next level, we’re all into doing some grunge work to help a brother out.

That’s sexy.

A disclaimer for my ladies in their 20’s, be open to a man in his 20’s/early 30’s with potential and holding his hand as he strives to get there. He’s age appropriate for that. If he’s over 40 and just starting out, forget it.

We all prospect, and don’t even know we’re doing it. When you start the dating process, you are actually prospecting for the person you want to marry. When you’re interviewing employees, you are prospecting for someone who will best fit your needs. -Zig Ziglar

Why am I taking this firm stance? Ladies, its time for you to stop settling. It’s time for you to stop thinking your clock is going to run out and you just “pick a card, any card.”

Real Talk

After a review of this post, it is quite possible that you are setting yourself up to be alone (just for a brief moment) with these standards.

I guess why they call it “the road less traveled.”

If it makes you feel any better, I have instituted these steps into my own life.  It took awhile but I am currently dating someone, it has gotten serious and we have discussed all of the above items.

…and he’s still around.

If a person really wants to be with you, they will SERIOUSLY do what’s required to get you.

In Tyler Perry’s play “Madea’s Happy Family,” he said that a woman who has been raised by a good father would rather be 95 years old living with a house full of cats than settle and deal with some joker. If it comes to it, I’m prepared. Don’t sleep on the great deal you can get on cat food and litter with a Sams Club card and a coupon.

 

Soooo, I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on this article!

Permanent link to this article: http://www.keepitmovingblog.com/2014/12/14/what-it-would-require-to-seriously-date-me-and-other-women-like-me-that-dont-have-time-for-the-bs/

4.75 Words of Wisdom for the Recently Divorced and the Folks Who Love Us

Divorce unfortunately is becoming the norm.  It’s not like in the old days when people shunned or judged because you were in the minority. However, regardless of how much times have changed, people still don’t get us.

Everyone’s situation is different.

Some get a divorce and are really happy about it–like that guy that had two winning lottery tickets for life. Woo Hoo!!!   For some, it’s the worst thing that ever happened and the wonder of how life could ever go on causes undeniable stress. For some the court process is a quick experience and for some (especially if you have kids and/or multiple properties) it is a drag-em out, duke-em out, hurry-up-and-wait experience.

In all of these situations is a common denominator:  It does something to us.

 

steel heart

 

You’re just never the same.  That can be good.  That can be bad.

For those of you who love us, if you haven’t been through this process you just don’t know what to do or say to make us feel better. Please know your presence, love and support speaks volumes

About a month ago, I had a meeting with my money guy.  He gave me some paperwork and for the first time I saw the dreaded set of boxes to select from: Single…Married…Divorced….Widowed.

I said “Ughhh, do I really have to check this box?”  I wanted to check the “Single” box so bad, but I had to check the other one.  I felt dirty.  I felt like a failure. I felt embarrassed.

I then took 60 seconds to woo-saah and get me and my money back together.

 

 Embarrassment is a choice.” -Rev. Geneva Hackett

 

Somehow, I have become a poster child for perseverance–like I have some little secret esquire title behind my name. People come to me all the time to get advice about their next steps if they are just starting the process or just finished. The #1 statement that people make to me is “You seem to be doing great and moving on with your life.” This statement is true and false at the same time.

They think because I smile, I am happy, content and came out unscathed.  I am pleased to announce that I am happy and content.  However, I am sorry to report that I did not come out unscathed. This is the case for most of us.

What people have to understand about “us” is we have to put ourselves in a place mentally to maintain control of the situation.  Half of the time, we don’t know what’s going on or where this whole thing is going.  It’s scary.  You don’t want to do something stupid that will land you in jail or make you lose your job.  So, we have to keep quiet and ride the storm out.

 

I don’t see divorce as a failure. I see it as the end to a story. In a story, everything has an end and a beginning. -Olga Kurylenko-

 

Ok, think about times you were in an emergency situation and you had to keep it together until it was over.  After the situation ends, then you decompress.

So take these words of wisdom from me and my divorced friends to get you to the next place in your process:

1. Take a deep breath. I know your life stood still for a while and it was frozen, full of restrictions. You couldn’t spend money the way you wanted to because in most cases, you anticipated that money going to your attorney.   You limited your travel and avoided social functions because you didn’t want to deal with the uncomfortable scene of running into your ex or other people who don’t know you broke up and ask “So, how is ______?”

Honey, it’s over. Count backwards from 1,000 and GO OUTSIDE!

2. The dating scene is NOT the same. Actually people don’t really date anymore.  For the most part, they just want to “hook up.”  Dudes, don’t want to spend any money and would rather go for walks or sit on your couch, watch tv and eat all your food.  Ladies are fighting the “all the good men are taken” syndrome and sinking their standards to a new low to get a man. The younger generation (35 and below) want to text all the time instead of actually talking.

When you decide to go out, just focus on having a good time. Don’t go out with the focus or intent of trying to meet the person of your dreams. Just enjoy the ride—but feel free to roll if the person will eventually be a waste of your time. Don’t get discouraged, there are some wonderful people out there.  Unfortunately, you have to sift through all the trash first.

3. Don’t wish ill on the other person. Child, if you don’t just MOVE THE HELL ON!  Now don’t get me wrong, there will be situations where you hear about something that your ex did that was a hot mess and you have no choice but to chuckle or smh.  It’s ok. Just don’t dwell on it too long. Maybe even pray for them. Just try to not to laugh and pray at the same time.

4. Give yourself a few months of fun, then do some self-reflection.  For the first few months, you are relieved and every day is a party. Then reality sets in and you find yourself in a weird zone. Almost two months ago, I woke up one morning and just freaked out. I was in this creepy space and couldn’t put a name to it.

Just feel it out!

The space looks like this:

Rebellion: You have been living under some major rules and restriction and you just want to “do you.”  You don’t really care what other people think.  In my case, it resulted in me skipping out on the gym, eating what I wanted, chilling and watching tons of TV and not blogging.  It’s ok to do this, just don’t go for too long. Now that I look back, it also mirrored a form of depression.

Depression: This comes in many forms, but basically means that you seriously deviate from your norm. You could procrastinate, eat a lot, avoid your friends.  You might not be sad about any specific thing but you know your life is different. You have to take a deep look at yourself and explore your state of “new normal” to get out of it.

New normal/Who am I: This is the part where our friends are key.  Now friends, just let us be for a little while.

Let us explore new things. Some things may be stupid. Some things may be right on the border. We are no longer that elephant in the circus that is chained to the floor, psychologically trained to stay in tight space.  We have been unchained and can move out of that space.

Pretend that we are just like that dog whose owner takes the leash off and let’s us roam freely for a bit.  Allow us to sniff every piece of gravel and blade of grass. Don’t judge if we lift our leg over every tree, bush and hydrant.  We have walked this path a million times, but now it seems to be a whole new world.

Now if we act a fool and wander off into the street and into the traffic, then yes, YANK US BACK ONTO THE SIDEWALK!

Some random ish that kind of relates to the post

Over the last two weeks, I had an opportunity to watch Alfonso Ribera on Dancing With The Stars.  As many celebrities that became famous because of a character in a show, he has being trying to separate “Carlton” from “Alfonso” for years.  He actually hates to be called “Carlton” and works hard to shed that character (which I found funny because he used that character to nab votes). We all know that “Alfonso 2.0″ won the finals and we are excited to see what he is going to do next with his revived success.

Us divorced folks are the same way.  You know us as our married self, but there’s a part of us trying to resurrect our old self and hopefully transform into a newer and fancier model. Cheer us on as we go through this process.

So with that being said, I leave you with two of Alfonso Ribera’s winning performances from Dancing With The Stars. You can pick whichever one you want to watch.  They both crack me up.  Enjoy!

 

(The “Tonto, Jump On It” Dance)

(The “Carlton Dance”)

 

 

 

 

Permanent link to this article: http://www.keepitmovingblog.com/2014/12/07/4-75-words-of-wisdom-for-the-recently-divorced-and-the-folks-who-love-us/

How this Little Precious Almost Lead Me to a Life of Crime

 

I had to have it by any means necessary.10732208_10204091014493924_548853446_o

I know this week’s post was to be about the jazz of life lessons, but just ONE more funny before we get started.


 

My nephew, Sebastian Conley Betole, graced us with his presence about a week ago.  All 9 lbs and 4 oz of YUMMY!

So yes, another trip down south was warranted.

I arrived on the day that he came home from the hospital and was greeted by my brother-in-laws mother. She flew in from France and was in the midst of cooking one of her infamous spreads. They are from Cameroon and the custom is that the grandmother stays with the family for 2-3 months to help with the baby.

A Matter of National Security

At some point on the first day of my visit, Sebastian began having breathing problems.The nurse prepped my sister prior to leaving the hospital, telling her his breathing may change when he gets home due to the air of the hospital versus home. So she was expecting this. But it just kept getting worse.

He was trying to nurse, struggling to breathe, crying and had the hiccups.

Poor kid.

We were looking at each other trying not to overreact, but wondering it we had to take him back to the hospital.

The dad turned the baby every angle.  He dipped him down on the right side. He deeply scrutinized the left side. The mom and the dad took a look in his nose and saw complete darkness on one side.  We knew what THAT was.

color-purplr-celieNow, I’m literally sitting there watching him strategize to get this thing out. I felt like Celie in that kitchen scene from The Color Purple ( where she sat in the rocking chair with her chin nestled in her hand waiting for “Mr.” to burn down the kitchen trying to cook Shug’s breakfast).

They had one of those nose suction things and tried it.  It didn’t work. They found another in a drawer.  It didn’t work either.  They kept asking my opinion. I don’t know why they asked me—I raised adolescents and teenagers (my step kids) but skipped all that baby stuff.

 

Sister is probably the most competitive relationship within the family, but once the sisters are grown, it becomes the strongest relationship.
-Margaret Mead-

 

His mom came in and said something in French about how they would have to suck it out by mouth.  My sister and I looked at each other like “Uh…No!”  My brother-in-law wasn’t too crazy about it either.  She said something else in French and left.

He comes back with a warm compress to put over the baby’s nose. Then he started with the nose sucker thing again.  It was like a scene from Fishing Wars, where the guys throw the bait out, the fish takes the bait, they reel it in and the fish finds a way to get off.  This goes on for about 35 minutes.  Sheer frustration.

He comes back in with a renewed sense of vigor, like one of the guys on Fear Factor going in for that last gross bowl of Egyptian cockroaches covered in pig testicle juice to win the big prize. He swiftly picks up the baby and puts his mouth over his nose and sucks.

No success.

He goes for one more shot.

Then it happens.

We hear this pop. Silence set over the room as we looked at what caused all that chaos. Who knew what a booger could do! Could you imagine if this was the 1st plague that God put on the Egyptians? That would have been the last one.

With that, my brother-in-law sticks out his chest and makes a decree: “I think I just earned a trip to the gym!  My sister was like “Yes!” and yelled something about him being the newest member of The Justice League. I can’t take it.

I was like “Really dude? Aren’t you supposed to be doing manly, gross stuff?”  But I just tried to mind my business, because remember, I skipped that whole phase of babies. Hey, if they think the oral extraction of mucus holds the key to the kingdom, who am I to bust their bubble.

All I know is that it was quiet after that.

What is Your Greatest Fear?

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Now, let’s get to my dad.

From what I understand about men, it doesn’t matter how fearless or outgoing they are– they don’t like holding newborns.

So on day 5, he still hasn’t touched the baby.  He just stares at it from afar.  Eventually on day 6 he makes his way to the crib, but not too close.  He kind of touches the baby and moves his hand quickly like it was a hot stove.

Later in the day, we had to do an intervention. My brother-in-law just walked over to him and told him he was giving him the baby.  He tried to fake us out by telling us he needed to wash his hands.  We blocked the hallway and pointed to the hand sanitizer on the table. His plan was foiled.  You can take a look at the pic to the left and see how it unfolded.  Priceless!

Now to The Life of Crime Part

There is still the issue of this rocking chair and book.  Everyone thought I came down for the baby, but I had a dual motive. If you have no idea what the big deal is, read the last post “A Robbery, Dirty Diapers and BOTH Grandmas.”

My sister and I had a mature conversation about the missing Three Billy Goats Gruff book.  She tells me that I got what was coming to me because I hid the book. She claims that my parents told her that I was jealous because dad read it to her all the time. No hard evidence of this, just false accusations all around. Typical.

She goes over to the shelf and there is a stack of baby books.  My eyes light up.  She goes through the stack title by title, telling me which ones are in French and which ones are in English.  I’m not paying attention and don’t really care because I only have one thing on my mind.

Here is my chance to get that book.10731252_10204094827949258_834584045_o

My eyes glazed over, but my sister is on to me.

“Oh, that book is not in here.  It’s in my room somewhere.”

I immediately gave up on the book after that.  She is a top-notch hider and I would never find the needle in that haystack.

However, there was one more prize to claim…the chair.

Now, I made sure I packed very lightly for the trip because my plan was to take it back with me. Yes, on the plane.

The book would have been no problem, I saved space for it in my bag. but the chair was another issue. Can this count as my personal item? Yes, I’m still obsessed with this chair.  Much like Gollum on The Lord of the Rings and his “precious”…I had to have it.

 

The love of family and the admiration of friends is much more important than wealth and privilege.
-Charles Kuralt-

 

 Well you know how this story ends.  No chair and no book.  But I’m a “Tee-Tee”  now.  What else do I need?

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Permanent link to this article: http://www.keepitmovingblog.com/2014/11/02/how-this-little-precious-almost-lead-me-to-a-life-of-crime/

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