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About My Divorce Pt 1: Raw Thoughts

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is and the future less resolved than it will be.”  Marcel Pagno.

 

8-ball.jpgDivorce is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s the pits.

People talk about it and how stressful it is but you just don’t know until you are in the situation. My situation may not be as stressful as others because they have children together, property(s) to divide and other random nuisances. Those are the things that usually creates the most stress, cause the most expense and drags on forever. But mine is still stressful nonetheless.

Over the past year and half, we have signed every document that needs to be signed. We are technically divorced, but stuck in the final part which is the agreement phase which I really don’t know why because there’s really not much to agree on. I’m not really asking for anything except to be out…like yesterday!  So it drags on for whatever reason.

It could be over tomorrow.  It could take a minute.

My Perceptions on Marriage

I have great parents. Our family had problems just like everyone else, but for the most part I grew up in what would be considered a very traditional and functional home. We ate dinner as a family just about every night (until my sister and I were old enough to work and have our own little social lives), went to church every Sunday, had chores, curfews, etc.  Both of my parents went to college, worked corporate jobs, held leadership positions at church and various other community projects they were involved.  So in a nutshell, my sister and I had good models of the role of parents, husband, wife and family.

My mom is very independent, but it was clear that dad was in charge and pretty much had the final say in things.  So with that, I have learned that as independent as I am I have no problem with respecting and being led by my man.

Additionally, I have a number of close friends who have marriages that I admire.  I know about their shady inside drama too, so I realize things aren’t always what they seem.

Going into marriage, I had the idealistic view that everyone else has and that seemed to supersede everything I knew unconsciously.  I was not prepared for what I experienced.

A woman that’s been raised by a good father, would rather be 95 years old living with a house full of cats than put up with some jokers foolishness.”  -Tyler Perry on Madea’s Big Happy Family

What Did it for Me?

Glad you asked! This is where I will get a little dodgy because, like I said in my last post that I wasn’t going to put folks on blast so I won’t go into specifics.  Every marriage has its continual ups and downs, but let’s just say that at some point, emotionally, financially and psychologically it became a bit much–especially considering what I do for a living. I spend my day talking to teenagers, their parents and teachers. I hear some fantastic and inspiring stories. I hear some downright heartbreaking ones too and try to help folks sort them out. Little by little, I began to see that my own personal life began to mirror and on some days overshadow the drama I was helping my students to deal with.

Numerous interventions to save the marriage happened over the course of about 5 years (we were married for 9) which involved counseling with pastors, therapist, marriage counselors, family members, friends and a physical separation.  So this may have been a shock to some, but for those that were close it was no surprise. I had considered the children (his two girls) before anything, but once one went off to college and the other moved in with her mom my exit was clear.

At the end of the day for me it goes by how I was being led.  I felt that I was being led to the end of a cliff. And it was a cliff that I was seeing on a regular basis and some times in 3D.  Then things just began to get so strange and bizarre and I had to make a change. There was a significant event that occurred that would have grieved anyone.  I had to make a decision if I would accept it and try to work it out.  I decided not to work it out.  It was the last straw.

 

Successful people decide how they are going to live; they are not victims of circumstance. In good times or bad times, they know where they are going and they know that they are going to get there.” – Bob Proctor

Where is my Mindset Now?

I’m doing great.  Really I am. I have learned through this situation to grateful for small things, to hold true friends close and not take family for granted. I am in good health (actually the best that I’ve been in for a long time), have money to do the things that I need to and some things I want, and have an awesome network of friends that keep me encouraged.  So like the old folks say, “I can’t complain.” I am one of God’s favorites and he lets me know every day.

However, being real I do wonder what the long-term effects of this situation will be.  Some of the things that happened were downright hilarious and should be sent to Tyler Perry asap.  Some stuff was just traumatic and I can see the effects right now. In my next few posts, I will address some these things.

Time to Lighten Things Up

I leave you with this song by Miranda Lambert called “Baggage Claim.”  I am not a follower of country music, but my friend Kimmie says that every time she hears this song she thinks of me.  I’ve been trying to be real grown up with this post, but when I am ready to run jokes (which is right now), Miranda basically sums it up…

See you next week for “About My Divorce Pt 2: FAQ”

 

 

 

Permanent link to this article: http://www.keepitmovingblog.com/2013/10/27/about-my-divorce-pt-1-raw-thoughts/

18 comments

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  1. Donetta

    I am very happy for you!!! :)

    1. Nichole Renee

      Thanks Donetta! I know you always have my back!

  2. Stephanie

    Hi Nichole! Sorry things didn’t work out but I am happy you are doing great! I like the title of your blog! Keep it Moving… That basically says it all! God bless!

    1. Nichole Renee

      Thanks Stephanie. Things happen and it’s times like these that show us how strong we really are. Also, how awesome and protective God is!

      By the way, I love your avatar!

  3. Danielle

    Hmm never heard this song,I need to make it my ringback tone :-) Great read, thanks for sharing the journey.

    1. Nichole Renee

      Let me get this straight, my favorite DJ doesn’t know a song?!?! Clutch the pearls! You know I gotta share…

  4. Valerie

    Good post Nikki. You took the high road which is just what your dad would have done. So, with high road in mind, I’ll keep my snarky comments to myself :-)

    1. Nichole Renee

      Ha! Mom, you’re mom so you can say and do whatever you want. Thank you!!!

  5. Lynisha

    Ok, so since our relationship is lived out through FB, I hadn’t realized that you were going through a divorce. But after reading this post, I want to commend you on your bravery to take the steps necessary to ensure that you live well and are happy. Best wishes in this new chapter.

  6. Helen Rivera

    No many people can be so open about divorce. Thanks for sharing. This will definitely help others that are going through a similar situation. I have always looked up to you! <3

    1. Nichole Renee

      Thanks for your comment. Helen, it took my forever as you see to talk about it on social media. It’s a coin toss whether to put your business out like that, but at some point I realized that this information would be more helpful to people. Right now, the posts will be most helpful to people who are going through this situation. Moving forward, a lot of my posts will be most helpful to single people so that they can avoid some of the things that me and so many others went through.

      I also checked out your blog and I saw the pic that you put on facebook that showed your traffic and such. It was awesome! I am looking up to you now and will be in contact with you soon so you can help me gain more traffic and such. The tables have turned my dear!

      For those of you reading this comment, Helen was one of my first students when I started counseling. She has a wonderful blog that teaches people how to save money on all kinds of products. She knows where all the bargains are. Check her out at http://www.frugaliciousmarie.com/ and subscribe!

      1. Helen

        Thanks Miss! I really appreciate it! I will definitely help you gain more traffic! I have had my website for about 4 years, but I started gaining traffic in the last 2. I will inbox you my # on FB so we can text (I’m not much of a phone talker LOL)

        Back to your post, I know friends that I have sent this post to that have started to heal because of what you wrote. This is going to help so many and empower so many. I love it. I miss you! We must have a lunch date soon whenever you are in the area!

        1. Nichole Renee

          I am happy to hear about your friends. Life is just starting. As as far as that lunch goes, you bet baby! I’m sure Ms. Frugalicious can find us a meal for .25, lol!

          1. Helen

            I probably can! Lol! It’s a date!

  7. Kimmie

    I am so impressed with how you navigated through a difficult time and turned lemons into lemonade! Your faith and sense of humor helped too dear friend. Miranda rocked your song!!!!

    1. Nichole Renee

      Kimmie!!!! I knew you would like it. You know sooo many of my stories and now the rest of the world will be able to laugh too. Not as hard because you know I have to edit a lot of it out, but it’s enough it will run on its own. Make sure you suscribe so you won’t miss anything.

  8. X

    Nichole,

    Thanks for sharing! I went through my own divorce two years ago and I’m still feeling the aftermath of an ex-husband who is still emotionally married to me as I have moved on. It is a very difficult situation to live through as you grieve the loss and wonder about some many things that went wrong. Who gets married prepping for a divorce?

    Reading your post, I admire your courage to share and thank you. It’s affirming to know you’re not alone. Love the song! Country music always seems to capture those moments in life that we all experience.

    1. Nichole Renee

      Hi X, and thanks so much for your comment. I can’t tell you how much positive and appreciative feedback I have gotten from sharing and being so transparent in regards to this subject. I wish you the best in your endeavors and I hope that you are a source of light and a resource to others that are going through this–because unfortunately there are a lot of us out there.

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