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About My Divorce Pt 3: Final Thoughts

stones for meditation

Thank you for making it to the last leg of this series!  If you missed Part 1 and Part 2 make sure you go back to catch up.

This post contains the last of the questions that people ask me most, but since they was so much cross-over I decided to make it one big question with sub-sections.

So the main question was “How did you get through?” First off, I will tell you God. That’s about it.  I can’t and will not take credit for it.  Let me tell you why.

When I first made the decision I was actually sitting in church.  That’s sounds strange but that’s where I was.  The pastor had just finished preaching about something really interesting, deep and moving and that’s when I do some of my best processing (not to say that he’s not usually interesting, I’m just saying it MUST have been REALLY good because I was obviously distracted that day).  I was just sitting there and God gave me a set of instructions to follow.  I know they weren’t mine because I never would have followed them.  They were:

  • Walk in Love.  That means don’t be mean to the person wronging you. Treat them kindly. Give them grace.
  • Take the path of least resistance.  This means do the bare minimum to resolve or avoid a situation.
  • God is your vindicator.  This means that you do not need to take things in your own hands and seek revenge.  God will take care of any wrongs committed against you.
  • Look towards me and follow my lead; man will fail you. This means let God lead you to make the right decisions.  Don’t go so much on what other people say and tell you to do.
  • Service. I guess that meant to do something nice for someone or any entity that needs your help.

I’m going to keep it 100…I wasn’t trying to hear that…or do any of that.  But I did.  There were a few times when I veered from the list and that’s when I had the most problems.

I would share the dramas that I went through and my friends would say, “Girl if I was you I would have…” First of all, you’re not me.  Secondly, you don’t know what the hell you would do.  Unless you’re in the situation you just don’t know.  I had to stick to that list! When I stuck to the list, I didn’t have any problems that required handling.

 

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.”  Ambrose Redmoon

 

It was so hard to keep my mouth shut and not retaliate. People that REALLY know me are aware of the crazy plans and plots I come up with that never come out of my head.  When you are in something like this you can’t afford the revenge route.  I mean seriously.  This is how it goes:  They do something to you and wait to see what you are going to do.  You do something to top them and wait to see their response, then wait for the fall out.  Especially if it was some Jazmine Sullivan, “bust your windows out your car” level stuff. You and your friends give each other high fives because what you did was soooo gangsta. This keeps going back and forth until something really crazy happens.  That’s how people end up being the lead story on the 5:00 news…or a Lifetime movie.  I don’t have the energy or time for that.

A lot of times I felt like an idiot keeping silent but now I see where the silence and following the list paid off.

Things I learned…

Forgiveness is essential.    One of the things that helped me move through this process was a series of trainings that I did a few years ago with Klemmer & Associates. They did a training on The Three R’s in which they discuss the paradigm of resentment, resistance and revenge. So I forgive before being asked.  I have had incidents in my past where I held onto things for years and it didn’t amount to anything.  Forgiveness is for you and not the other person.  It allows to release the burden and not to harbor anger and resentment.  Through the training,  I also learned about the Victim or Responsible paradigm. You have a choice in how you view or handle circumstances.  I would encourage you to click the links above and purchase the suggested books, particularly the Compassionate Samurai. That book has saved my butt on many occasions.  If you have specific questions about the book or the concepts above, make a comment at the bottom of the post and I will answer.

Learn when to SHUT UP! You don’t always have to do and say something every time somebody does something.  In fact, its silence that throws people who intend to do you harm off their game. Be really nice or pleasant.  Act like nothing happened.  People really hate that (just being real). Then eventually they get bored or confused and leave you alone.

It pays to be obedient. Like I said earlier, it was killing me not to retaliate.  But now I see the fruits of that.  Through this process I never went without anything (actually, a few times I was in a position to bless other people), made some wonderful new friends that I wouldn’t have met if this didn’t happen and learned how to trust God.  There were several occasions where I needed money to pay for some things that were way outside my budget and on four separate occasions I received unexpected checks that more than paid for the things that I needed. Also, people were really nice to me and took care of some things that I needed without me even asking.  Be obedient! 

 

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” -Martin Luther King

Final Reflections

Through this series, I hope you have a widened perspective of the topic of divorce.  If you are not going through it FANTASTIC!  One of the things that I found is that if a person has never been through one they have a hard time helping a friend.  You feel like you don’t know what to say.  The best things you can do is listen, don’t judge and try to guide them from making destructive decisions.  Let them know that you are there for them.  If you are the person going through, no matter what the situation looks like keep your head up.  It’s gon’ be alright!

I leave you with a song from a new singer that I was turned onto, Anita Wilson with the song titled “It’s Done.” Enjoy!

 

 

 

Permanent link to this article: http://www.keepitmovingblog.com/2013/11/13/about-my-divorce-pt-3-final-thoughts/

4 comments

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  1. Em

    Now I understand the not responding piece and where it comes from! It totally works and can be applied to so many situations in life. It’s better than the silent treatment, it’s not reacting! Use it all the time now!

  2. Danielle

    Very well said!

  3. tony

    Hello Nicole,
    What a post !!! I found your blog through HT community and thought i stopby.

    The Lord will bless you abundantly on the road ahead.

    Keep moving forward.

    cheers

    1. Nichole Renee

      Thanks Tony! I am glad my posts are stretching beyond my immediate circle. Please make sure you subscribe to stay in the loop!

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