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Covert Operations, a Broken Penis and Grandma

 

 

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Ok, so my mom officially retired– actually today is her last day.  Last Sunday, her job planned a surprise recognition  party for her. I call myself flying down to Atlanta on Saturday and ‘hiding out’ at my sister’s house (here I am ‘hiding’ at one of my favorite spots in Atlanta–Jim & Nick’s).

She works at her church, so I really couldn’t go anywhere because you never know who you’ll run into and spoil it right before service. We purposely got to church late and sat in the back.  After my mom was recognized, we met up with her in the hallway to surprise her.  She says ” Hey, I figured you were here.”

Now let me park here for a minute.

That is really annoying! She takes pride in the fact that she always figures stuff out and you can’t really get much past her.  I wish she would have figured to call me and tell me that she knew I was there.  I could have hung out in ATL on a BEAUTIFUL 70 DEGREE DAY, partied a bit and slept in a bed instead of on my sister’s couch. I’m just saying.

Ok, back to the story.

cajun_creole_cookingThe retirement dinner was at this really cool Louisiana style restaurant called Pappadeuxs. So, I sit next to dad who is in front of the pastor and his wife.  Not a big deal as I have known him for almost 20 years.

I went to the bathroom and when I came back in the room there she was.  I totally forgot she was coming.

Dad offered her his seat and my fate was sealed.  I had to sit next to grandma for the night. So much for the enjoyable dinner.

Before you judge me, remember my birthday post and my mom’s birthday post.  You just never know what she is going to say, like some random comment about my weight.  I gained back about 6 pounds since I last saw her so I was doomed.  We do our hugs and pleasantries and sit down.

Then the pastor says something to her and she makes some deep comment which included the word Jesus and did this super deep church nod.  I just rolled my eyes. Great, she is going to sit with the pastor and talk about Jesus all night.  Not that I have anything against Jesus, for the record I think he’s pretty cool. But at that very moment all I was concerned about was getting into the business of eating crawdads, shrimp, and a slew of Cajun dishes. It just wasn’t the time for all that.

Luckily, the pastor is not deep like that either so somehow, somewhere the subject changed to something else. Maybe somebody warned him about her. I am sure he was ready to get into the business of eating too.

Dinner was FABULOUS and grandma enjoyed the whole dinner—except for the “string beans.”  It’s ALWAYS the green beans.  I asked her what was wrong with them this time. She leans over and whispers “This is how white people like them.  They’re not cooked all the way.”  She frowns up her face.

Now, I didn’t have the heart to tell her that white people are not the only ones that like nutrient-rich vegetables.  She packed up her food and I didn’t see the beans on the plate.  I asked her what she did with them and she leans over and whispers ‘Cook them some more.  Gonna steam them.”  WHY IS SHE ALWAYS WHISPERING???

She looked at me like she was going to make the situation right.  I just looked and was like ‘yeah, just go ahead and make it that much harder for your bowels to move.’green-beans-almonds-new

The hilarity ensues…

Since grandma didn’t reference any weight loss or gains over dinner or on the ride home, I just knew we were clear of shenanigans.

My sister and I had to get her home quickly to relieve the caregiver with her sister, Aunt Lillian.

Aunt Lillian is 4′ 8″, petite, and 70 lbs dripping wet, but don’t sleep on her. She is that heavy-handed aunt that you always avoid hugging because she will take your back out.  With extreme excitement, she would grab you tight and proceed with a series of quick, open-handed smacks.  You have to be really strategic when you hug people like that because if you don’t tighten up before they strike your back it will sting for like 10 minutes. She also is the one that usually gives you a dollar and has some stale, chewy peppermints in some old glass bowl that stick to the wrapper.

Well, she has Alzheimer’s now so none of that is going on. As the caregiver (an older woman) gave us the run down on how Auntie gave her drama when she tried to touch, bath or help her get dressed we just shook our heads.  She then told us that she is as strong as an ox and can eat like 5 men.

Then it Begins…

Don’t ask me how the conversation moved to the caregivers last job in urology, but she started telling us a bunch of penis stories. Yes, penis stories.

It was kind of like listening to Bubba from Forrest Gump talk about all of his shrimp recipes. She told us about the black ones, the white ones, the long ones, and the vasectimized ones (yes, I know that’s not a real word).  She must have had super respect for privacy because she didn’t tell us about any little ones.  My sister and I laughed and snickered at first, watching the golden girls just chat it up.

She told us about the famous athlete that stripped butt-naked before she asked him to. Then she tells us this story about how this couple came in together and how the woman tried to explain how she broke it. I won’t go in to full detail, but it involved something being too long, her being really tall and not maneuvering correctly. Grandma howled.

Yes.

Then she takes joy in telling the couple what it would take to fix it.

Yes.

Then she told us it’s not a bone and how it breaks because of the muscle, tendons, ligaments, etc. I was like, can’t he just drink a protein shake?

Yes.

By then my head hurt and I sat there with my head in my hand.  The lady asked me was I embarrassed.

*Crickets and blank stare*

She said ‘Weren’t you were married before’ and I said yes.  She says ‘Oh, then you’ve seen penis’ a number of times.”  Grandma just howled again.  I was like ‘REALLY!”  I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want them to ask me how many I had seen.

The traumatic part to this was not the conversation about the penis, it was the fact that grandma was just howling and laughing through all these stories.  I mean, I thought her dentures were going to just pop out of her mouth. Seriously, what happened to that sweet old lady that used to teach me how to sew and gave me graham crackers and juice?

But this took the focus off my recent weight gain, so I endured the next 10 minutes of the penis conversation and her howling.

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All Jokes Aside…

Congratulations mom on your retirement!  I’m sure the lanyard with the keys to the kingdom is off the neck and sitting in the tray for the next chick. Go to church late and leave when you want.

Bake all the cakes, cookies and pies you want. Plan parties and baby showers all over town.

Sit with your bag of Lays with half of the bag cut off with a glass of Coca Cola classic. Continue to tag all of us in these random things you find online that none of us have time to look for. Take all the time in the world to go on FB and create a bunch of nothing like this veggie thing on the side.  Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

If you liked this post, you’ll love:

 

 I’d love to hear your comments on this post!  

Your favorite “old people” stories would be great too!

 

 

Permanent link to this article: http://www.keepitmovingblog.com/2014/03/30/covert-operations-a-broken-penis-and-grandma/

12 comments

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  1. CEC

    did your mom make “Veggie man”? LOL, dont you know at our age the lil old ladies feel comfortable enough to be honest round us

    1. Nichole Renee

      CEC, I don’t think she made the Veggie Man ‘yet.’ It was something she downloaded. I am sure we will see a replica very soon. As far as the little old ladies, they do and say what they want!

  2. Em

    Hilarious! Love the vision of “retired mom.” And, ahem, any time she wants to bake and send to work for us to taste test is always appreciated… now that she has all this spare time :)

    1. Nichole Renee

      Thanks Em! I don’t know about spare time. She may pick up a huge clientele and forget about us…

  3. Valerie

    Cute story Nikki. My former office is empty of all my belongings. The church credit card has been cut up and cancelled. User names and passwords have been relayed and the keys to the doors, supply closet, desk, office and pastor’s office have been turned in. I am officially retired and FREE to do what I want, when I want! By the way, Lillian is 4′ 8″ and weighs 70 pounds.

    1. Nichole Renee

      How did I know that everything is shut down! I’ll be making those corrections right now…

  4. dorimray

    You are sick bless your heart. That was hilarious

    1. Nichole Renee

      Dori, how did I know you would drop one of your “Bless Your Hearts!” Glad you liked it!

  5. Tameika McPhaul

    Hilarious story.

  6. AJ

    That was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. I hope Grandma stumbles on this post :)

  7. Kendall S. Murray

    I am over here in tears! I wish I was there to hear the stories…a broken penis…to funny!

  8. BrandNewEveryMorning

    Nichole Renee!!!!!!!! You know I have urinary issues!!!!!! I have to unsubscribe from your blog effective immediately! That was so funny. I’m sharing on my page! You writing is awesome. I feel like I was there! Keep making us laugh!

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